Most people say it’s pointless to try to understand others.  Sometimes, it truly does feel that way. Especially when you review things in your mind repeatedly, and still have no answer. Other times….the answers are pretty clear but it’s more about whether or not you want to accept it. 

We learn through observation and despite what others say about the “past is the past”…we DO learn from it. Reviewing it is crucial. Otherwise, history repeats itself.  That is how we grow….or it’s how I do anyway. Growth varies though. Sometime I don’t think we grow straight up slowly over time….instead, we delay, cower, hit a growth spurt, and then stop again.  Sometimes I think those delays are the devil holding you down, or just God’s way of saying “not so fast, do I have a “hell” of a story for you, here…..some food for thought”

     One of my first significant lessons in life came straight from God. As close as you can get.  As a child, my father felt it was important and made sure us kids made it to church every Sunday. Ironically, my mother often stayed home saying that God hears you anywhere. Sometimes church is just for “show”. Then, she would make sure I was dressed perfectly so that “so and so” wouldn’t talk. I thought God loves all? If others talk….THEY are wrong. So basically, you have two parents, both with different lessons.  Nonetheless, my dad took me every Sunday.  I yawned through most of it. A Catholic mass, and he always chose the Portuguese mass at 11pm.  My attention span was zero. Apparently my Dad’s was minus zero because I often cowered down in the pew with embarrassment from his snoring at my side. A few times he let me go with a friend and he stayed home. However that only resulted in me praying to God he wouldn’t find out we were kicked out of church for laughing and horsing around. Well, at least I prayed.

     Finally, mass over. We make our way outside where some familiar faces gather to chat.  As the quiet shy child I was…..I was an observer, a listener. I watched and listened to the adults chat among themselves.  “Do you know so and so is divorced now, I heard she had herself a little boyfriend on the side, what is she doing here”? A few minutes later, they are shaking hands with such “sinner”.  “Oh, so good to see you again”.  That’s usually when you saw this very blank look on my face, but really….I was just trying to process it all. All kinds of similar chat and behaviors.  People often think kids don’t know any better, but truthfully……it’s their innocence that allows them to see the plain and simple… to see things just as they are.  I remember thinking “why are they being so mean, I thought Church is to help people be good”? Isn’t God watching?  C.C.D was obviously different. The teacher gave you inspirational lessons, and then you colored or played with your friends. Ok, not so bad.  Quite honestly, I learned more at home, and I learned more from television watching those good old fashioned wholesome shows like Little House on The Prairie and Brady Bunch.  Some of those shows gave you a false sense for what real families are like, however, the lessons in each episode, the moral of the story, was good. It taught you how to treat others and help you distinguish wrong from right.

     Now, to make the distinction between the two. Which lesson was more truth?  Or do you combine the two?  For me (my OWN view) is that church showed you hypocrisy.  It showed us kids what people “grow” into if they don’t make the effort to slap themselves with the very bible they claim to believe in.  I slowly learned that my mom had the right idea. However, I didn’t have much of a choice….at least not until I had a drivers license. I was then able to skip church, tell Dad I went……and then say a quick apology to God thinking my name was first on the waiting list to hell. Through the years, I do believe at times, I’ve been there. I can at least say I’ve seen the devil many times….disguised in many faces and forms. However, it wasn’t those church masses or even much of C.C.D that showed me how to fight him. It was the lessons I learned from my family, t.v, the playground at recess…..and the break room at work. My family and t.v taught me how you “should” be, and then the outside world taught me what CAN be, and the ugliness taught me who NOT to be and with all that…..I then became ME. That includes flawed. To claim not be is becoming like many those who believed to be themselves after Church mass discussing “so and so”.  I am deeply flawed and one of my significant major flaws….is bitterness. Where does it come from? It comes from this….

  1. Dad being a realist, as well as his daughter’s protector “be aware”. He was suspicious of everyone. If you took the time to LEARN about his PAST, you can UNDERSTAND why. He too….fought history repeating itself. Because of him, there’s a portion of me that is a realist. There’s a portion of me that can be bitter by the ugliness around.                                                                                                                                                                        
  2. Taking those good old fashioned lessons from your family about manners, compassion, truth, and basically just treating others how you wish to be treated….and backfire. Not everyone has had the same lessons, the same past, therefore, they take your kindness to stomp on it to release whatever anger has been festering inside themselves.                                                                                                                                                
  3. Standing firm to your beliefs. Compromise is crucial at times…. as long as you are not compromising who you are. Stand firm to those morals, defend what you believe is right. Sometimes that means coming to the defense of those who are unaware they are being victimized because your heart can’t ignore it. However, those “victims” then side with the devil.  To comprehend that act, is at times…..beyond comprehension.                                               
  4. My thought process that I too, have made ugly mistakes, but worked so hard to keep learning. I did not let those ugly mistakes define me, I moved on to better myself in whatever crazy method I saw fit. Self help books, meditation, spirituality, volunteering, WRITING (mostly) exploring religions, Do I even believe in a “religion”?  Bitterness comes from observing those acts by the true definition of ruthless with no intention to better themselves,  no effort.  You think “get to know them, talk to them, you may learn something” but they can’t crack a smile and they push you away. They shit on you…. and then the stench lingers.                                                                                                                                    
  5. When the devil wins a small victory, and he did so not with weapons, but by his followers. The only weapons…..tongues. Lies, deceit, bribes, and so on. A fight in which you fought and stood firm for the side of the good but you look behind you to see your “Army” had fled. The fear, the ugliness, the battle itself, was too much. They left you to fight alone and when all is said is done…..they slowly (very slowly) come out from the shadows and tell you “hey, WE tried”.  We? Who is We? You too were miserable, you too have been wronged….the only “WE” in this is that we all agreed, we all had our frustrations, but that is where WE ends.  Where was “We”…..when the battle was ME?   “We” of course, is waiting to emerge not through battles…. but after the war is won.  Then, all will wait for praise, for recognition and all will be helpful and kind.

     Bitterness lives inside me. It has a small compartment and I make no room for advancement. It stays put. However, through every attempt at eviction, someone comes along to defend it. To keep it there.  I’ve learned to accept it, it resides in me, it’s a part of me, and to be aware of it. To keep one eye open at all times not just on my enemies, but to keep the bitterness quiet. Drown it out with a bigger compartment., the penthouse….where lives Positivity. Blast the music and sing your heart out. Even if you’re singing completely alone. Drown out all else. No noise but music.  What happens when the devil comes knocking? Well……  Nothing.  Conclusion:  The devil wins the battles, but I win the wars.