Step-Moms Still Standing. Secrets To Serenity

By Sandra Carter · August 16, 2017

There’s Secrets to Serenity and to the step-moms still standing, step out of the dark. There’s a stigma attached to step-moms. Didn’t we all hear or watch the story of Cinderella?  Oh the wicked step-mother.  Always so good to her own and making slave of the nuisance step-child. Here’s a toothbrush, scrub the floor.       

Oh, kids will be kids and they need to be nurtured, loved, forgiven, and of course, they need your patience.  Growing up, I believed in all that, every single word. Today, hearing the phrase “kids will be kids” tempts me to take a very long walk off a short pier. Just make it stop. Sure, there can be reasons, but then there’s excuses. That tends to be just one.

I believed if you welcomed a child/children into the family with full intention to love as your own, there would be a happy family. It wouldn’t matter if they were young children or pre-teen when you met them.  Who turns love away? The more people loving a child, the better for the child. Right?  It certainly is possible when all involved want the same.  What happens when they don’t? What happens if a new woman in their lives is a threat? What happens if from day 1 you’re faced with resistance, jealousy, and sabotage?

Cinderella was a beautiful girl inside and out who wanted to be loved. One way or another she craved for it.  When given, she accepted. Although some live out that fairytale, many don’t. Cinderella didn’t go to Mom with embellished stories of Dad’s new wife.  She didn’t lash out disrespectfully, she didn’t get punished and run to mom for “saving” and was “saved”…. every time. She certainly didn’t tell stories to the neighbor, her friends, and all around town.  Cinderella didn’t even have her mom.

She would have loved two!

Why do they feel threatened?  If they are given a home, shown acceptance, and know that someone wants to love them, are they really threatened or just influenced? Sabotage is real. Insecure ex’s are real. No matter how much you reach out, how much you’d like to see everyone working together, sometimes, it’s just not going to happen.  Sometimes it’s not about what is best for the child. Sad isn’t? Because it really should be.

This is going to strike a nerve for many and I’m sorry….because I understand. It’s a tough subject.  We do know there really is evil step-moms and the moms who have their child’s best interest at heart. The child is top priority. There’s children who deserved much more than they got and still hurt. There’s also blended families that fully support each other, work with each other, and love each other. It’s hard work, but it can happen.

Oh when I’ve seen the stories on t.v. The ones especially when the mom thanks the step-mother for caring for the child and vice versa. The mom that helped in the blending of the family. The one that taught her child that it’s ok to love another. I think of how so many have yearned for that, but never saw it…..and sadly, never will.

So what do you do when you’ve done it all? When everything you’ve tried from reaching out to friends…. and family therapy went nowhere? When you have no more tears left?

You do nothing. That’s what you do…nothing.                        

You can’t step up if you’re being stepped on. Hurt, angry, humiliated and exhausted. How do you fight when there’s nothing left? You don’t.

1. Let them “win”. There really is no winning in such a situation. If you have to let them go, it’s their loss too. They could have had more love than they imagined. Nonetheless, let them “win”.  Let them walk away to what is now their adult life, to mom’s basement, or wherever they choose, but let go.  Let the ex and the fan club claim victory. You can’t change them, their behavior, or the past. Stay out of sight. If you’re out of sight, you’re out of mind. They can’t attack you if they can’t reach you.  Changes start today, with you. 
2. Make peace with what is not fair.  Older and wiser, we already know that life in general is not fair. It’s ok to vent or release in some way, in a healthy safe way, but don’t look for validation. Don’t wait for an apology you’ll never get, and don’t dream of what could have been. Don’t worry about what their followers believe. Take comfort in the fact that there’s always those that follow…..but then there are those that lead.  Who are you?
3. If your marriage is still going strong, know that no matter how much distance you put, they’ll always be in the shadows.  The difference is when they’re older, the weapon they once used with great skill, their mom, is switched to the other hand. They have children….our grandchildren. Now, a weapon in each hand. They know our hearts ache for them. They know if anyone wants to even see the child, they’ll accept disrespect and keep quiet.  This by far is the hardest of them all but the answer is the same. Let go. It’s sad. Who loses the most? The child. The cycle continues. The child deserves love from all sides, freely given. Not marked with a price tag too high to pay.   
4. Tough love.  When they’re growing, we give child doses of tough love to fit the crime. When they’ve become adults, it’s extra strength! So they haven’t called in months. Dad stood united with “what’s her name” and Dad has been hurt too. Who cares. Well, they do. They care when the real world is not forgiving. They call looking for understanding, but not for what they’ve done, just asking for what you can do.  Again, do nothing.  When life goes wrong, we have to figure it out. They do too.  Now is a good time to start.
5. Here’s the easy part. Yes, there really is an easy part. Accept the love of those who give it, and return it just the same PLUS more. Believe in it. You won’t find that stamp of authenticity, you have to believe it’s already there. It’s ok to proceed with caution. Our past experiences installs caution into our hearts. Still, step forward.

Try opening your home and giving love to someone in need. Foster Parenting or volunteering with children. Maybe adopt a pet!  We have also dedicated a chat session every week to step-parenting in our live chat room. Please invite a few friends for additional support.  

To have your love finally received with open arms (or paws) does wonders for broken hearts. The secrets to serenity are really not secrets at all. Don’t turn the page to read what comes next. Grab a pen and write your own story.  Here’s help with the first line….                    

To heal a heart that’s been torn apart, practice loving ways for peaceful days.

Ok, that sounds a bit corny…..so what? It works!