Autism & The Serenity In A Smile.

By Sandra Carter · August 18, 2017 · 6 Comments

Autism, for everyone it means something different. That’s because every child that has it, is not exactly the same.  I like to say they’re “customized”.  They truly are….. something special.  A parent feels the depth of that word when they live a life with Autism.  For me, I feel it in the Serenity of a smile, HIS smile. Quite simply, for me, that is all that I need for a better day.

I’m not going into the challenges that are involved. They of course, are significant.  So significant, that I owe who I’ve become to it, to him. I’m a flawed individual like everyone else, but I’m strong, I’m compassionate, and I know all about self sacrifice.  I don’t want to share every detail about the moments I’m overwhelmed with guilt.  Have I done enough? No, I know I could do more, so keep trying.  I also can’t describe the depth of my fears. There are no adequate words to express its magnitude.  When my life is done, how will his be?

I cling to hope that my soul will be there, always at his side. Please don’t be alone, and I won’t let anyone hurt you. I promise. Those times when the question creeps in, for whatever reason the doubt, “Is there really life after death? I think….oh please, there has to be. He needs me! So, I try not to think of it.  My life is always worth living . I will live it for him. When I am gone, he won’t see me, but I’ll be there. Quite frankly, as I write this now, the tears are coming. Expected or not. It is fear, it is truth, it is love.

What I do want to discuss, is the magic.  Yes, Magic.  He’s a pro at it but there are no tricks, and no schemes…it’s authentic and there are moments in time where time stands still.

There’s times when I, like everyone else, thinks of the bills, family, an IEP meeting at the school, the chores, and just dealing with overall feelings in the day. Then, he walks into the room, smiling.  Right there, time stands still. If I could freeze it just a bit longer, I would.  With a random hug he teaches me to slow down. No agenda. No favors to ask, and nothing he wants me to get. Just to hug….. and I try to never let go first.              

Please, if you’re not sitting, you should. He quite often asks me “Do YOU need anything?  Or “love you”.  Just then, he’s melted away every last bit of tension. I’m bathing in serenity. I think I’ll just soak in it.

As a mom, I tried to hide any pain when something goes wrong, or let him witness anything there’s no need for him to see.  Many moms do. He senses it though. He pauses, watches, and says “You ok? Yet, I won’t soon forget that when a tear escaped, he so softly wiped if from my face. “I know Mum, it will be okay, don’t cry”.

I look to his eyes and think …I need him like he needs me. Probably more. He doesn’t even know. He only knows of this woman that loves him, that hugs him, but will never understand the actual need I have for him.  He doesn’t know of his endless storage of magic.  Abracadabra….LOVE.

Sorry, not sorry. Of course, when we share our thoughts or stresses, validation shows support. But please, never say sorry, because I’m not. I have never said those words. He is my greatest gift.

Thankfully, he is so contagiously kind that I have not faced much ugliness from the outside world. Yes, at times I do feel we’re in a world of our own. Yet, those words stunned me. It was not from ugliness, it was from a kind old lady that I admired.  When I explained why as an adult he’s still home,  She said “Oh, I’m so sorry”.  I paused, I had to digest that. I love him.  I never want him to leave, but a sacrificial love says…..I wish he could.

Either way, I’ll never be sorry. Please, neither should you. That is exactly why I share this now.

Like every child, mine is also a gift.  I’d say mine is homemade. For some, they prefer diamonds and pearls or anything exquisite for display.  Others, like me, see the value in homemade.  The beauty of its creative design. Some of it flawed, unique, and oozing with love. No to be pawned, and no store credit.

My heart, its vault…… and mine for a lifetime.

I wrote this several year ago.  Until now, I’ve only shared with family and friends.  I’m proud to set it free for the world to see.

Magic